First, I am not a psychologist. I can’t explain why the brain works the way it does when it comes to how we react to traumatic experiences we’re exposed to, but I can tell you from a motivational standpoint what I think, so here goes;
I think that you are dealing with something I’ve never gone through and as a result, my advice is based purely on theory, not knowledge based experience. I think that eating for the sake of trying to make yourself feel ugly so men won’t want you is certainly a defensive mechanism to shield you from any would-be attackers in the future. Ma’am, this is most certainly no way to live your life.
We were given life to experience emotions, the world, love, hate, and every emotion possible. Those emotions are what let us know that we still feel, and therefore are still alive. Your self-sabotage is you avoiding what truly happy life you could be living, but that also means living with the understanding that sometimes bad things happen to good people.
Now this is where I take it down a road many will not agree with, but I believe it was said that God made all men equal, but colt made women just as equal. Perhaps looking into a self defense course, be it martial arts or carrying a firearm, will give you comfort in knowing that you are able to defend yourself should someone wish to try and attack you again.
You also have to start taking care of yourself. You know this is the only body you have, and why on earth would anyone wish to abuse it to the point of ruining it and never seen what potential it had in regards to fitness and health that it could be pushed to.
Get out of the self made prison you created. Cast your turtle shell aside and start living again! Take small steps into areas you’re not comfortable in; meaning sign up for a small race. Put yourself out there and don’t live in fear that what happened in the past could happen again. Be aware of your surroundings and circumstances because regardless of what some people say regarding laws keeping criminals from doing criminal things, they still break them. Be a hard target!
Above all, know that what happened wasn’t your fault. You’re not to blame and not all men are like that. I know it must be difficult to trust after that experience, but it’s those experiences that craft and form us into a different product. You are the one who’d decides just what type of person you wish to be after enduring your trials. It becomes your choice. Make the right one and choose to push forward out of the darkness and back into the light.
I hope this helps. The worst thing you could do is continue going the route you’re on and never live life to the fullest, and you continue to gain weight and face a myriad of health issued over what that piece of shit did to you. DON’T give him power over your life. He’s not worth that, and you’re worth so much more.
With love and respect